JORGE RODRIGUES SIMAO

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STUBBORN CAT RUNS FROM SPRAY BOTTLE

Johnny Hart & Brent Parker, a caption from The Wizard of Id comic strip. Humorists are famous for taking serious advice-like never blame someone else for a mistake-and turning it on its head. Yes, feel free to blame people, this one suggests-but make sure you identify a scapegoat before you actually start working on a project.

Robert A. Heinlein, in Time Enough for Love (1973)

Never get married while you’re going to college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.

Franck McKinney “Kin” Hubbard

Never go to restaurants named after days of the week

Alan King

King added: “If I have to say to someone, ‘Should we meet Tuesday at Friday’s? Or should it be Friday at Tuesday’s?’ I feel like I’m part of an Abbott and Costello routine.”

Never look on the bright side; the glare is blinding

Florence King

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Fran Lebowitz

Never brag about your ancestors coming over on the Mayflower; the immigration laws weren’t so strict in those days.

Lew Lehr

Never buy expensive thong underwear

One trip through the dryer and it’s a frilly bookmark

Carol Leifer, in When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009)

This comes from a section titled “40 Things I Know at 50 (Because 50 is the New 40).” Leifer also learned some other interesting things over the years:

Never eat at a restaurant that charges for bread

Never eat pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure

Never wear high heels to an event if you’re going to be outside on a lawn

Never take your shoes off on a plane

Please find other ways to show your “relaxed side”

Never buy Sweet’N low, Equal, or Splenda at the supermarket

That’s what restaurants are for.

Never eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than one-third of the package

Joseph Leonard, from a 1986 Herb Caen column in the San Francisco Chronicle

Never darken my Dior again!

Beatrice Lillie, to a waiter who spilled soup on her dress, in her 1972 autobiography Every Other Inch a Lady Lillie was a popular stage and screen actress on both sides of the Atlantic in the first half of the twentieth century. Here she cleverly alters never darken my door again, a centuries-old English saying that means to show up unwanted at a place one has been thrown out of. In nineteenth-century theater, the phrase would typically be delivered by an angry parent expelling an intransigent child from the family home (the darken portion of the saying refers to a person’s shadow appearing on the threshold).

Nigel Rees dates the saying to at least 1692 in England. It soon became common enough in colonial America that Ben Franklin used it in The Busybody, a 1729 series of essays. By the twentieth century, the expression would never be used seriously, and in the 1933 film Duck Soup, Groucho Marx put it this way: “Go, and never darken my towels again!”

Never call an accountant a credit to his profession; a good accountant is a debit to his profession.

Charles J.C. Lyall

Never subscribe to anything that smells better than it reads.

Doug Marlette

I found this a number of years ago in a Kudzu cartoon. It appeared around the time that magazines first began inserting scratch ’n sniff ads for perfumes and fragrances.

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs

And it was good. Go ahead and laugh

I think the most important thing I learned was:

Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off

Steve Martin

Never eat more than you can lift

04.06.2013