JORGE RODRIGUES SIMAO

VIDEO

he Fantastic Miss Piggy Show

Miss Piggy (formally named Miss Pigathius “Piggy” Lee) was originally viewed by creator Jim Henson as a minor supporting character when he began The Muppet Show in 1975.

She eventually became one of the show’s most popular figures and a cultural icon, famous for a diva personality that swung wildly from saccharinely charming when she wanted something to violent rages when her desires were frustrated. She also occasionally tossed out hilarious one-liners, as in the previous dieting tip. She also offered this advice about buying cosmetics:

“Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store.”

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Addison Mizner

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Robert Orben

This line is often attributed to comedian Red Buttons, but it was originally authored by Orben. In 1946, at age eighteen, Orben wrote Encyclopedia of Patter, the first of his many joke books (he also published a comedy newsletter for three decades). In the 1950s and ’60s, he was America’s most famous gag writer, doing stints with Dick Gregory, Jack Paar, and Red Skelton. Orben was such a comedic staple in the 1960s that Lenny Bruce said his routines were different from mainstream comics in part because they contained “no Orben jokes.”

As a speechwriter for President Gerald Ford, Orben was almost certainly the man who authored Ford’s famous “I’m a Ford, not a Lincoln” line.

Never ask old people how they are if you have anything else to do that day.

Joe Restivo

Never start offshore oil exploration unless you know the drill.

Dennis Ridley, offered shortly after the BP oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010

Never buy a fur from a veterinarian.

Joan Rivers

Rivers has also been quoted as offering these additional thoughts:

Never floss with a stranger.

Never let a panty line show around your ankle.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip.

There’s no end to the game.

Rita Rudner

This came from a Rudner sketch that ended this way: “Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, ‘Look, it does always going to be me!’ ”

Never jog while wearing wingtips-unless you are attending the Nerd Convention in Atlantic City.

Mark Russell

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedic.

Shannon Ryan

Never look at the trombones; it only encourages them.

Richard Strauss, one of his ten rules for young composers

Never look down on short people.

Greg Tamblyn

Never answer a telephone that rings before breakfast.

James Thurber, in Lanterns & Lances (1961)

Thurber added: “It is sure to be one of three types of persons: a strange man in Minneapolis who has been up all night and is phoning collect; a salesman who wants to come over and demonstrate a combination Dictaphone and music box that also cleans rugs; or a woman out of one’s past.”

Never say “oops” in the operating room.

Dr. Leo Troy, orthopedic surgeon

Never learn to do anything.

If you don’t learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you.

Mark Twain, quoting facetious advice from his mother

Never run after your own hat-others will be delighted to do it.

Why spoil their fun?

Mark Twain

Never pick a fight with an ugly person; they’ve got nothing to lose.

Robin Williams

Never wear a backwards baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

Dan Zevin, advising Generation-Xers, in Entry-Level Life: A Complete Guide to Masquerading as a Member of the Real World (1994).

18 June 2013